BOROMIR Owner's Guide and Manual
by lalaithien
Summary: The Owner's Guide series continues! Technical specs and handy user tips for the BOROMIR unit - slashfree. With thanks to and permission from the brilliant Theresa Green. :)


**_ CONGRATULATIONS! _**

You are now the proud owner of a BOROMIR! In order to obtain top performance from your Man of Gondor, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual.

Your BOROMIR should arrive fully assembled and in upright condition. Please check that you have all his accessories (see partial list below) and that you have been issued with the edition of BOROMIR that you ordered, as there are two:(a) Mark I BOROMIR (copyright Tolkien, 1954)(b) Mark II BOROMIR (copyright Jackson/Bean, 2001)

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: _BOROMIR_

Type: _Human (male_, _Gondorian of Númenorean extraction)_

Manufacturers: _Denethor and Finduilas, (Stewards'R'Us Ltd.), Minas Tirith_

Date of Manufacture: _Year 2978 of the Third Age_

Height: _5 feet 11 inches_

Weight: _180 lbs_

Length: _Data not available but guaranteed satisfactory_

Power Output: _Mostly stable, although short brown-outs may occur occasionally_

Colour:

Mk I BOROMIR dark hair with grey eyes

Mk II BOROMIR sandy blonde hair with green eyes

(Note: should you wish to change your BOROMIR's colouring contact lenses are available from WETA LTD.)

Your BOROMIR unit will arrive to you in his factory condition of travel stained and hot and sweaty. It is strongly recommended that you immediately remove his clothing and put him into a hot soapy bubble bath. This will keep his moving parts in pristine condition and fully functional. As your BOROMIR is a Captain of Gondor and is not often in the vicinity of a bathtub you may have to climb in with him to ensure that all parts of him are adequately lathered. This procedure should be repeated as needed to ensure that his moving parts are kept well-lubricated and in fine working condition.

CAUTION Married/committed BOROMIR owners **must** ensure that their spouses are otherwise engaged in gardening/car maintenance/crocodile hunting etc. before carrying out this procedure. The company is not held responsible for divorce costs, alimony payments, or hospital fees due to careless execution of this procedure in the company of jealous housemates.

**ACCESSORIES**

Your BOROMIR unit comes equipped with a host of travel-stained accessories, including a sword, shield, fur-lined cloak and, of course, a huge Horn. (For more information on this last piece of equipment please see the _Frequently Asked Questions _section of this manual.)

CAUTION It is not uncommon for the BOROMIR unit to attempt to pinch accessories from other units, particularly anything in the way of jewellery. The company strongly recommends that you discourage this behaviour, even if your BOROMIR unit claims that the item in question is a gift, a gift to the foes of Mordor.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE **

Your BOROMIR has been designed to be user friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English or Sindarin. You may also choose to teach your BOROMIR commands in different languages. You will find your BOROMIR is skilled with tongues and performance should prove satisfactory.

Apart from the aesthetic value of your BOROMIR as a fine example of rugged, chiselled Gondorian masculinity, he can be utilised in several capacities about the house and garden:

Snowplough:

Used in conjunction with the ARAGORN unit, your BOROMIR can clear a path through even the deepest snowdrift. Please ensure there is an adequate amount of snow before activating this programme, and do utilise caution in this mode, as your BOROMIR has been known to plow through expensive shrubbery hedges in his enthusiasm.

Parcel-handler:

Your BOROMIR's burly physique means that he is admirably suited to lugging shopping parcels about, over the shoulder or beneath each arm. Your BOROMIR is particularly suited to assist with the Christmas holiday shopping. (Note: It has been brought to our attention that the BOROMIR unit will at times complain that the cold will be the death of his shopping companions in an attempt to return home sooner. Ignore this; a little whinging has never hurt anyone.)

Fencing instructor:

Your BOROMIR has been programmed to instruct you and your friends in the art of swordplay. Do not worry if he is tricked into lowering his guard and wrestled playfully to the ground – your BOROMIR has been trained to keep his good-humour and suppress his natural warrior's urge to beat them to a bloody pulp. (For more information regarding swordplay please see the _FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS _section of this manual.)

Waiter:

Your BOROMIR's fondness for carrying his shield everywhere makes him well suited to serving at the dinner table. With practice, your BOROMIR will be able to carry a six-course dinner with his shield balanced on one hand.

Physical Activities Director:

Your BOROMIR unit, as a soldier, is accustomed to bouts of intense physical activity, usually followed by mugs of ale all round. Put this seemingly boundless energy to good use and keep your BOROMIR from idleness by providing him with all sorts of physical activities. These activities can range anywhere from mild gardening to intense bedspring testing, and will keep your BOROMIR in good spirits and properly fit and toned.

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

You will find that your BOROMIR is compatible with most other Men. Use of a BOROMIR in conjuction with Wizards, Elves, or Hobbits can be hazardous to all parties and must be undertaken with care. The company strongly recommends that you have an ARAGORN unit nearby at all times to dispense Rangerly wisdom. (Other activities involving the ARAGORN unit are not discussed in this manual. Please refer to the unit-specific manual for details regarding Alternate Activity Programmes.)

**CLEANING**

Those owners who already have an ARAGORN or FARAMIR unit may be labouring under the

misapprehension that it is impossible to maintain a Man in a decent state of cleanliness,

apart from snow-bathing. However, your BOROMIR _can_ be kept in a hygienic condition if you

follow this grooming regime on a daily basis:

Comb hair.

Trim beard and moustache.

Clean fingernails.

Change tunic/shirt/leggings/cloak.

Shower whole BOROMIR unit.

Upon completion of the cleaning procedure, dry your BOROMIR by rubbing him briskly with a large towel. Do not tumble dry. Do not hang him on the washing line, unless you want your neighbours to gossip.

You may wish to hire a LEGOLAS Mk II unit to perform this, as he is adept at all grooming procedures and his light touch will not leave bruises. Unless you feel like sharing, however, be sure to disable the SLASH setting on both units before proceeding.

(It has been brought to our attention that the BOROMIR is easier to keep clean without these trappings. While this is true, you may wish to keep him indoors in this condition unless you want to have the neighbours talk.)

**PRECAUTIONS**

Do not expose your BOROMIR to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity, excessive humidity, Rings of Power, or large numbers of short people.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q:** When I first undressed my BOROMIR, I noticed some very nasty scars on his leanly muscled manly torso. Is this normal?

**A:** Every BOROMIR is, by necessity, a refurbished model. The arrow wounds on your BOROMIR's chest are, regrettably, permanent. Unfortunately the BOROMIR model is not guaranteed, as he is susceptible to succumbing to a perforated state, especially when brought in contact with a LURTZ model. This is not recommended by the company. While your BOROMIR unit is still useful for aesthetic purposes in this perforated condition - indeed, it has been noted that he becomes "fairer even than in life" - we cannot guarantee the full range of performance on units in this condition.

**Q: **How do I activate the SWORDPLAY mode on my BOROMIR unit?

**A:** That depends on which SWORDPLAY mode you are attempting to activate. GENERAL GROUP SWORDPLAY is G-rated and is suitable for all ages and sizes. This command is voice-activated. If you are attempting to activate any programme rated PG or above, including PRIVATE SWORDPLAY, EXPERIMENTAL SWORDPLAY, and ALTERNATE GROUP SWORDPLAY, you must first log in to the Alternate Activities Programming Cycle and submit your password.

**Q:** Is it safe for my BOROMIR to go white-water rafting?

**A:** Yes, absolutely! BOROMIR units have an uncanny knack of staying in boats, even after they have been cast adrift over huge waterfalls.

**Q: **My BOROMIR unit insists on backseat driving whilst on roadtrips. He always insists we make for the Gap of Rohan and take the West Road to his city. What can I do to avoid this?

**A: **Your BOROMIR unit is experiencing homesickness. By no means should you allow him to return to his place of manufacture; instead, distract him by offering to polish his Horn. While this will not permanently disable his knack for direction-giving, it should temporarily render him incapable of sentences more than three words' length.

**Q:** My BOROMIR and ARAGORN units refuse to be in the same room with each other. What is going on?

**A:** You may be experiencing a software incompatibility, as the long-term programming of the ARAGORN and BOROMIR units is mutually incompatible. The default interaction setting for the BOROMIR and ARAGORN units is 'Barely Veiled Hostility'. However, recent developments in the software are such that the dynamic between the two units becomes more hospitable after a few weeks. (This is the 'Friendly Chat In Lothlorien' mode). The lapse of more time results in continuing growth of affection. (This is the 'I Would Have Followed You, My Brother, My Captain, My King' mode.) Should your BOROMIR unit avoid perforation after this phase he may enter the KINKY GONDOR SLASH mode; this may be de-activated at any point by bashing both the ARAGORN and the BOROMIR units over the head with a frying-pan. Should you wish not to do this yourself you may hire a SAM unit to do so.

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

**Problem:** Before every journey your BOROMIR insists on sounding the Horn of Gondor. The neighbours are complaining. You have asked him to stop, explaining patiently that such actions are necessary only when dire need is upon you, but he insists that he will not go forth as a thief in the night.

**Solution: **It is almost impossible to override your BOROMIR unit's programming in this area. The company suggests that you hide his Horn (not _that _one) and provide him with a party noisemaker instead. This will enable him to fulfill his urge to blow something before setting forth without prompting letters from the neighbourhood watch.

**Problem:** Your BOROMIR keeps rooting through your jewellery box.

**Solution: **This is a fault inherent in the BOROMIR model. Learn to live with it. Try to regard it as one of those amusing little eccentricities that makes him interesting. Should the malfunction become extremely severe, give him a disposable ring-like item (such as a curtain ring, cookie cutter, etc) and tell him it is a gift, a gift to the foes of Mordor, that must be kept safe. This should prevent any further jewellery-related mishaps.

**Problem:** Your BOROMIR is reluctant to help around the house.

**Solution:** Your BOROMIR will generally be more amenable to following orders if you whisper them to him in an elevated poetic style while he is asleep. If this fails, suggest to your BOROMIR unit that you will have your FARAMIR unit carry out the task instead. Your BOROMIR will immediately claim that the job is too dangerous for a FARAMIR and rush headlong to do it himself.

**FINAL NOTE**

Due to the somewhat volatile nature of the BOROMIR model, you will find that you have not been issued with a guarantee. Those owners who are already used to the 6,342,000 month extended warranties issued with Elven units may find this rather disappointing. Console yourself with the thought that BOROMIR units do not require expensive grooming products, hairdressers, and personal style consultants.


End file.
